I like to share a story with you about recapitulation and dreaming. After meeting and becoming the Energy Body, I began to take a pivotal role in the Castaneda community, putting on workshops with the apprentices of Carlos Castaneda and other bodies and my own workshops all over the world on various topics to do with Toltec Knowledge. Of these the recapitulation retreats became my favourite because of an incredible experience I had.
A large amount of my time was devoted both to Sorcery Passes, Stalking and Dreaming. Still though in my stalking of my childhood I was only finding acrimonious scenes. Me being beaten for what I'd done or hadn't done. I'd constantly run away all my life but at 16 left for good.
I decided to gather a weekly group and make recapitulation our endeavour. Over and over I pulled
out incidents firstly that I knew about and then many that had remained hidden to me because of my sheer childhood terror. I breathed through these as Carlos had taught. I found that I was developing a fluidity detachment and often indifference to situations that would have once riled me. However I was still inundated by heavy experiences in my explorations. My dreaming at this time was phenomenal.
I was lucid all night and went through several of the gates until spending my time in the world of the inorganic beings where I was fascinated. I visited many other worlds and had endless adventures in time and space.
One night I had been in the world of the dead. It was like a biblical vision of purgatory or similar. People seemed crazed and lost, near zombie-like endlessly repeating useless words or actions. To my horror I found my father, I awoke him from his stupor.
He asked me what was happening, he said "I am ill, something has happened. He'd actually died in a lot of pain from a stroke.. I told him who I was and that he was dead and that he should head toward a thin band of light on the horizon above. I told him I would return. I also went speedily towards like dawn's light. It was some kind of heaven, but I wasn't taking much notice as I wanted to find my mother. I finally came out into this beautiful serene place. My mother was lying there with her eyes closed, bathed in a luminescence.
She looked so at peace, but I was so pissed at her. I asked her why I'd had to spend so much of my childhood black and blue just because I was energetic and wild? "What made you think you had the right to beat me, often for things my sisters did?" She became awake but had no concern for my feelings.
I became highly irate and changed into a bear. I roared at her. I grabbed her from her repose and tore at her body. I ripped her apart. Yet she reformed into her peaceful repose. Many times I roared and clawed until she was no more but I couldn't destroy her.
She said to me "your concerns are no longer mine, I have made my peace with my actions. I recommend you do the same thing."
"Maybe you have no Earthly concerns but your husband who you swore undying love for is in a terrible state in a realm below. I am not sure how to bring him here." I said.
"It will be done, together we will bring him. Return to where he is and escort him I will lend assistance."
I returned willing myself to find him in that vastly unpleasant realm. My father had actually made some progress he was nearer and his zombie like state seemed to have rescinded, even more. I told him I had found his wife and that we were going there.
After some while I brought him to the realm of my mother. I was fatigued and I left them to their reunion, as the dream dissolved.
I was a little bemused at both finding my parents and to find them in realms that didn't reflect their beliefs nor mine either. Also I couldn't believe I had endlessly attacked my mother. Most of all though I was amazed that my mother had ended up in a heaven, and I had to rethink my judgements of her.
We continued with regular recapitulations, however the current had changed. There was a new lightness.
Now I started to remember all the good times we had together. The times she pulled me out of school, to spend the day on the beach, swimming, sun bathing, drinking wine or beer. The way she looked after us, always baked our bread and cakes, cut our hair, made our clothes and always sang when happy. Most of all though I was able to remember how she read to me every night and the delight she had given me in literature.
I suddenly saw how my predilections had been driven by an eclectic mix of writings, fairy tales from all over Europe, Celtic ballads and tales, classical and Sufi poets, Hiawatha about the American Indians, the Psalms of David and the words of Solomon, to mention a few.
So many fine memories long kept at bay by my hurts were released.
Instead of my recapitulation being an arduous task, I was recapitulating these incredible beings from my life that had been disguised by the roles I had hastily assigned them out of protection.
I saw the play of intents and the thread of energy that I had followed throughout my life
and gave thanks for all the beings that had assisted me. My world had irrevocably changed. From this time I set my intent to encourage as many people as possible to enter into this journey of recapitulation, to discover the wonder of their life.
Since in dreaming I have made my peace with and expressed my gratitude to my parents.